Nov 24, 2006

LET THE SHOPPING BEGIN



Let the games begin. It's the largest, longest shopping day, marking the opening to the Christmas shopping season.

Ladies and Gentlemen, start your engines, load and lock and please wear safety glasses. A crash helmet is suggested but not required.

Basic Rules
If you touch the item first, it is yours. If you touch it, change your mind and your hand leaves complete contact with the article, you may no longer claim ownership. Stealing is a crime, usually called...
Petit Larceny and taking something out of someone's shopping cart is grounds for caning. It is also a crime, which you may not be aware of and subject to prosecution, to change the price of an article.

Facilities
If you must use the public facilities, may Santa and all his reindeer, crap in your stocking, if you do not flush, you urinate all over the seat(I'm talking to you nasty little girls) cause you don't wanna park your prima donna buttock on a public seat or you line the top of the toilet with paper for your protection from germy butt abuse but then you leave it for someone else to handle and flush. Please wash you funky fingers before leaving, it's a karma issue too!


Food and Fun
Food is part of the pre-arranged plan here but you are not allowed to consume a whole hot dog in one bite and then carry on a conversation, spewing bits of your hot dog or bun or any food item on unsuspecting patrons. It is encouraged that you sample the Hickory Farms Cheese or Sausage but only if it does not give you gas and you may not announce to all that it does in fact make you fart green clouds. We ask that you refrain from moaning if something tastes especially good, it does not give us visions of sugar plums dancing in our heads. One sample per person and we do watch you as you drive around and act like you haven't tried the item, in hopes you'll get another sample. There is no free lunch, Ladies and Gentlemen!
Leaving a trail of popcorn? We will find you, announce your name and make you clean it up!

Good Sportsmanship Shopping
We ask that you do not use the "Head Up Your Ass" approach when shopping. This includes, leaving your cart in the middle of the aisle or sudden stops as this may cause an ankle clip. Most importantly, leaving your cart in the middle of the aisle AND standing on one side of it or the other, as you read and re-read what the product does or is, is a Class 1 offense of the new Shopper's Protection Law. If we get one complaint of "HUYA" shopping practices, you will be warned. A second offense will cause, at the discretion, of the clerk on duty, to have all of your Clapper, Chia Pet and Ronco items removed from your cart or you may be required to give up one item and wear an Antler Hat . This signifies you are an offender and security will be watching.
A third offense and you will be escorted from the mall by security, no if, ands or buts about it.
Also falling into the category of HUYA shopping and grounds for immediate expulsion from the store are stopping in the aisles at any time, showing baby pictures or pictures of the kids. This is a strict rule and will be enforced.

Senior/Disabled
If shopping with the disabled or elderly, please refrain from allowing them to wander the aisles. We love your family too but not enough to debilitate the normal shoppers. We have a ringed area where you may drop off these slower shoppers. Our SS Senior Shoppers are welcomed to congregate ONLY in the arena, with it's state of the art attendant free wheelchair parking. You place the SS in his/her wheelchair, on the track and it will do the parking for you. This is great for the Alzheimer's Shopper as it locks into place, your loved one and their wheelchair. No more worries that Grandpa wandered off or Grandma stole another handkerchief to embroider. Coffee and Tea will be provided. We ask that a fresh Depends to be instituted just before entering the SS Arena. We also have, the new SS Outer Loop, just for the Slower Shopper. It has all your old time favorites such as, Aqua Velva sets, Ribbon Candy, Argyle Sweaters and Sock Sets and so on. It's inspired and hand picked by our Senior Advisor's, just for those Depression Era Shoppers. You'll find the Outer Loop keeps you safe and secure and is patrolled by our security experts. No more Pick Pocket or Purse Snatching worries. Yes, the SS crowd is safe and secure to allow you a no worries shopping experience.
It is also frowned upon to socialize in the aisles and all applicable HUYA rules will apply to this situation, as well.

Children
It is strictly forbidden to allow children in the shopping areas, unattended. There will be no crying allowed or eating in the aisles. A child may not be allowed to lay on the floor, play in the aisles or open or play with any products. They may not, in any way, hinder a shopper. This is in violation of the Penal Code 1211 Shoppers Protection Law and you may be subject to arrest, fines or both.
We encourage for your safety, health and well being and that of our other shopping customers,that you leave children at home or place them in our "Rubber Auditorium." Please sign them in with the attendant, making sure they have clothing labels or use water proof marker for Identification. Once entering the RA, said child will be locked in and subject to the fire house for misbehaving. Yes, we prefer the Fire Hose as it does not leave any mark but does make a huge impact on the child and his/her behavior. Free video's will be played for your child's enjoyment. Your child will be given one large lollipop, our treat which must last the enitre visit Our success rate is very high for the new RA and we hope you'll continue to use it all year round.



Good Buys and Good Luck!!

4 comments:

Miranda said...

Lol...:(( I wanna be there to shop too...I was in texas a few years ago and we got up to go shopping at like 4 am. Crazy.

Here we have Boxing day, the day after xmas, it's usually the biggest blow out, but I think Black friday has us beat by 100 times. lol

Babsbitchin said...

miranda, I guess you and I are the only ones in the entire blogosphere today. Everybody else is still out shopping, lol! Boxing Day, huh? Sounds like a beat down for the booty. Sounds like fun!!

NuggetMaven said...

All very valid reasons, enough for me to stay the frig home on Black Friday.

Babsbitchin said...

nuggetmaven, it's safer as you just might commit a homicide or suiside or something. I get real ignorant this time of year and I just can't help it. Good luck when you do go out! lol!