Nov 26, 2006

RESOLVE AND CLOSURE of OLD LOVE

I've spent the last three nights, talking to my ex, Sonny. Not trying to kindle old flames or even embers, I am careful what I say. A part of me would run back to familiar ground in a heart beat. The wiser part of me knows that it's the dumbest thing I could ever do. Thank God, I am full of more wisdom than stupidity these days.

Twenty some years ago, I watched as Sonny bent straight over to tie his boots, not bending his knees, just straight down and my eyes fell on his muscular backside. A few minutes later, my eyes fell on "The Package" and I had to take this Stallion for a ride. I spent upwards of 19 years in that "Sold" stance, in my mind. He took my breath away when I looked at him som
etimes. Other times, he was the ugliest Son of a Bitch, I'd ever met. I suppose his looks didn't change. It was a culmination of his and my demeanor that could or would cause it to change. I think he felt the same way about me. Sometimes he really loved me and other times, he would prove that he hated me.
He really didn't want to talk about the physical fights we had. But it was good for me, to know he remembered the injury that I caused him too. I didn't want him to feel he escaped "Scot Free." He would stop short of saying, "Well, but when you shot me..." we danced around it. Is it hardcore passion or insanity or both to be with a person, come back to a person, take a person back, after you've shot them and it was not an accident? That was January 1986, we'd been together, a hot 2+ years, when they took him away,dieing from a point blank, rifle shot in the stomach
. I think we loved like nobody's business and hated just the same.
I slept with my make-up on, so he could not look over and see me for who I really was. I kept up appearances, kept my weight down. I brushed and cut his hair and gave him pedicures. I plucked and picked, preening like a good primate. I fought for his love, literally, with him and the bitches that taunted me. Why?
We were both addicted to Heroin. Does that give us common ground or the horrendous multitude of indignities we suffered together, in the name of addiction? I found myself, talking and talking and rehashing things. I was looking for valid
ation of some sort? Did you not love me? Why did we fight?
I finally said to him, what his masculinity would not allow him to say. It was something that took me many, many years and a Prison sentence to figure out,
"For every single thing that you were attracted to me for, you hated me with equal intention." He agreed and this was huge!
I was ballsy and he loved it and he respected my ability to step up, no fear and just do it. At the same time, he wanted some timid little ballerina at home.
I was built like a "brick shit house," his words. He loved that I was strong and sturdy except when I didn't just drop in a fight with him. I knew when to be a lady, always have but we fought like two men and he wanted a delicate, quiet, soft spoken woman. I was not that, by any means. Although, I did try. My answer to that wa
s to shut up completely and it drove him crazy.
I was intelligent and knew when I was being snow balled. He would have much preferred a woman that was seen and not heard, never questioned anything and just went along for the ride. I bucked the system, he even called me "Buck." Actually, he called me "Buck Moe."
He admitted for the first time, that it was not me but him. He told me, that he didn't realize what he had, a good woman, who'd go to hell and back to bring him the fire. His ego aside, he told me that he didn't know what to think when I cracked a bottle over a guys head that he wouldn't have tangled with. Or put a knife to a guys throat that no one dare do that to. I intimidated him and he set about proving who was bigger and badder, who could be uglier and inflict the most pain. Who could put who, in their respective place.
I was
a contradiction in terms and I still am. I realize that I can never be what he wants me to be. I also realize that I am who I am and I should not have to change that to fluff another man's ego or build his esteem. I will not change who I am, ever again. It took me so many years and a lot of hardship to arrive at this person. I will speak my mind and say what needs to be said. I will never cower in a corner and bite my tongue, it is scarred from biting it and is just now healing.
If I have to spend the rest of my life alone, I will before I will ever work so hard at pleasing a man, that I loose my own identity along the way.
He w
ants me back. Don't you know, at 47,and I'll be 48 in February, a girl doesn't have too many chances at love any more, does she? Maybe, he's changed, just as I have. Maybe, he's wiser in his old age and just wants to co-exist?
Mayb
e, when hell freezes over.


OLD LOVE / ERIC CLAPTON
To you Sonny!!

14 comments:

.Ophelia. said...

I love you babsi *hugs*

I truely believe everything we go through makes us stronger people. It just dawned on me right now. You remind me of my late Aunt Cindy, she was a hell of a woman.
So are you. And thats not ego fluffin sweets. I mean it.

Hope you had a great thanksgiving.

Babsbitchin said...

ophelia, that was more than a treasure, your words to me. I appreciate you, your thoughts, your reason and insanity. Takes two to Tango, takes one to know one and Great Minds Think Alike!! Woohoo!
(HUGZ ALL DAY)

Lynn said...

Babs, you are smart to treasure yourself in this present day. Hold on to yourself, you are so valueable! I am honored to be your friend.

Babsbitchin said...

lynn, you are far too kind. I think it's more survival than about anything else. I put up walls so I can't be hurt. "Dieing is easy, it's living that scares me to death."

xmichra said...

Sometimes it is truley hard to go back and look at faults... but it needs to be done for growth.

I think Sonny knows exactly what you know. That he wanted exactly what he wanted, when he wanted it.. like most of us... but unlike most of us, decided to try to enforce that on a person who was finally strong enough to fight back.

Love is a tricky demon really. You love so much.. that is truely makes you mad at times. you cannot see the woods through the lust and power and jealousy. It makes a fighter from a mouse, and a door mat from a tiger.

At least you can talk with him, and not pine after him. That is something i think a lot of women would like to do... since we tend to build up a friendship with the other person, and it feels like a death of a friend when they are suddenly removed from us, weather it is by choice or not.

I really do admire that you are sensable enough to have the wisdom of distance though, and to be able to live and let live.

:)

Babsbitchin said...

Xmichra, you are wise to recognize wisdom. But sometimes I read something you wrote and I think, "Hot damn, this girl's gonna be alright, she's gonna have a good life." I believe that, you are wise beyond your years. ;)

xmichra said...

*blushes!!* aww! there goes that street cred again! you better get into a fight with me or people will think you have gone soft ;)

Babsbitchin said...

Xmichra, Hahahahaha! Damn Canucks, how's that!
BTW, my ex is French Canadian and Sioux, so I'm Canadian by marriage or proxy or injection, lol! My name is actually Baribeau!

Lynn said...

There's nothing wrong with preventing yourself from being hurt. Rejecting a situation because you believe it to be contrary to your best interests is different than putting up walls. I know, because I'm one of the best damn wall builders east of the Mississippi! Ha! I'm getting pretty good at spotting the walls of others. I could be wrong, but what you described doesn't sound like a wall to me, it sounds like wisdom. You're a smart lady, Babs. I'm glad. {{{{{Babs}}}}}

Babsbitchin said...

Lynn, dammit, you keep coming here putting these lumps in my throat! I've come to love ya! A kindred spirit, a sister in arms. Fighting the good fight, kicking ass, one mofo at a time. I really appreciate you!
Hugs Back @ya!!

xmichra said...

thems fightin' words Yankee!!!

lol.. proxy neighbor!

Babsbitchin said...

xmichra, bring it on and the Molson Ice and Maple syrup. Let's get ready to rumble....and pass me a beer, will ya! hahahaha!!

RICH said...

He took my breath away when I looked at him sometimes. Other times, he was the ugliest Son of a Bitch, I'd ever met.

don't all men have that effect on women??

Babsbitchin said...

Rich, you may have a point. But men probably look at their co-defendant and think the same thing and "no that dress does not make your ass look small. In fact, it looks more like a Moose X-ing sign," lol!!!