Dec 21, 2006

CITY SLICKER CHRISTMAS

























This is a re-post from Bitchin & Stuff, from last Christmas. It is also an unedited to "save and spare the masses" version.

We are not venturing to Wootten's Mountain this year...


My sister Traci and I drove to Virginia for Christmas. We went to the home of my brother, Mike who is a Spotsylvania County Deputy Sheriff in Virginia. My brother has a small managerie of animals on his 20+ acres of land.With 3 horses, a bull, cow, 2 goats and a lamb, they have the makings of a small farm. They also have 5 dogs, one is pregnant and due any day and a cat. So, here we are a couple of city slickers on this mini dude ranch. The very first night I was outside smoking cause they don't smoke. You know they're those, well, what do they call them...oh, I think it's called healthy, outdoorsy types. Anyway, I go outside to smoke and then I walk down the driveway to butt my cigarette and throw it into a burn barrel with the 2 goats and lamb in tow, I thought," well isn't this cute, they're following me." As I turn to walk back, I know they're behind me and then all of a sudden I get butted from behind, I flew forward, from this big frigin' sheep, lamb, whatever the hell you call it. It wasn't so cute to me at this point. It really caught me off guard and I had visions of killer goats and sheep mauling me to death. So, I'm walking faster and he butts me again right in front of a mud puddle and all I can do is envision going face first with the next butte. Am I gonna have to fight this fuckin' thing or what? I almost ran up the stairs, after the third and final blow and into the house, my brush with death has my adrenaline flowing. But I don't let on that it's got me riled up cause then I'm one of those, "City Slickers," they laugh about. Christmas morning my lil' Sister and I go out to have a cigarette and we look over and the bull is trying to mount the horse and we both hear,"Deliverance," music in our heads. She says, "Oh great, that'll go on my top 10 list of things I didn't need to see on Christmas morn." Now, first of all she's never seen a bull penis so she's pretty shook up. Of course, being her older sister I have to act like I've seen one before and comment that I've seen bigger. My Lil' Sis, well you'd have to know her. She's had a sheltered upbringing. She makes this look like she's going to throw up any minute and says, "that's makes me gag!" Without missing a beat, I told her, "Well, don't put it in your mouth." She's actually gagging now and runs in the house. Oh shit, is she gonna tell Mom. At 46 years old, my Mama could probably kick my ass, she's hardcore Marine, "D.I."
We were at my brothers' house for 4 days and I never trusted that damn lamb and would not allow him to get behind me. Now, "Buddy," the goat, who is also a fainting goat,(they think he came from a circus), comes up on the porch and is trying to eat my clothes off. Before we get to my brother's house he calls and tells us,"do not leave your car doors open because Buddy will try to get in the car." As we went to leave, we made sure to close the car doors after loading the car but we were then loading the truck with luggage. I walked away for a second and turn around and the goat is in the trunk. He's digging through the Christmas bags and must smell something cause he's rooting. I'm thinking,"Oh shit, how do I get this frigin' thing outa my sisters new Volvo ?" Well, it wasn't easy to wrangle this huge goat with horns and a projectile bean poop shooter but I prevailed. I know I was worried there'd be retribution and I'd be mauled by the killer goats but I stood my ground unflinchingly. I cannot believe I was actually a bit scared. I've stood up to the hardest of society, done 3 1/2 years in prison with murderers and basically combative people and was not afraid but this stupid goat has me thinking I should have a big bowie knife on me. My son, Waylon left from there the day before to go back to S.C. and had the car all packed and was checking the oil before leaving. He was about to leave when I noticed something furry and yellow amongst his stuff in the back seat. Turns out the cat had burrowed in and was trying to hitch a ride outa there. Busted trying to escape the work farm! All in all it was a good time but it taught me to write my will before we go back next Christmas

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