I have been many people, in my lifetime. I didn't know any of those Barbara's but I try to be better than them now. I wish I had the same drive as that woman did but it was often for the wrong things or applied the wrong way. I have been a mover and a shaker. I'm wondering where it went. Is this what it is to "get old," understand, feel me, get my insinuation? I have lived for danger, I have lived for respect, I have lived to help others. I've had many careers. I've lived my life in a grand manner and minuscule all in the same breath.
I look in the mirror and sometimes, it's that old Barbara and she winks at me, sarcastically, sardonically.She calls out my name, "Come on, live on that edge again, come out and play, let's do this." Some people talk shit, that Barbara made shit happen. I have been the lead dog and I have also followed and saw a lot of assholes. Who the fuck am I? I don't really know?
I've purposely placed myself in precarious positions, where I could have had my head blown off in an instant, 2 seconds tops and I just did it. I have done things, to this day, I can not tell you. I'm a double agent, living good and evil, straddling the fence. I have used and been used in my line of work and they exploited my ability to entertain that good and evil. Who was that person, that was able to not blink and pull the trigger? Who was that Barbara cause I have no fucking idea?
I have worn a badge of honor, yet walked in such shame that my mind's a burning hell. I fell from grace, so many times, been wrote off, picked up, embraced, slapped around, entertained and walked away with secrets tucked neatly in my bra. I've been knee deep in the hooplah and danced around rings of fire. I've been scorched, so close to Satan and his emissaries that I had his cell phone number. I've been close to God and sat at his feet, never looking upon him but he knows my name. And I've worked for them both.
While you were safe and secure, in your homes, I was in a shit storm, making sure you could still have that. I've also been your worst nightmare, unforgivable, standing in the dark, waiting to pounce, your enemy, seething and chomping at the bit, stealth in black, ready to rip your heart out and feed it to my cat. I have watched you from afar and held you close. I have loved, been loved and done things in the name of love. I have uttered unspeakable horrors and hated so badly it threatened to consume me. I understood the dark when you only knew light. I could see in the dark and I saw you. While you lived in your wheat bread world, I was eating a grub sandwich with a smile on my face telling you how fucking good it tasted. I was lost, yet knew exactly where I was and where I was going. I lived with abandon but with great intention. Still, I do not know who this person is or was, this Barbara.
I wouldn't squash a grape, at a fruit fight, yet, if backed in a corner, I'd scratch your eyes out and shove 'em up your ass, so you could taste it and see the real asshole you are. Let me teach you real hate, let me show you real love, passion, shame, guilt, insatiable lust and pain you've never understood or seen, felt or lived. Let me help your life flash before your eyes so you'll wake up. Let me hand you a mirror so you can really see your pasty faced lying, dieing ass.
I am frightened of nothing, have no fear and have stood nose to nose, toe to toe with death and danced like there's no tomorrow. I have also been curled in a ball with the weight of the world, holding me in a fetal position. I did what you asked me to do. I did your dirty work, in the name of all that was and is good. I was there in a moments notice, ready to eat a bullet but you still denied me in the end. You used me but I let you. You have the awards for bravery that do not belong to you but you can have them to remind you of your lie, the lies you live, the dirt you performed like a prostitute on a good night. I saved your asses and you betrayed me and lied so much, you may have convinced yourself. That plaque and title will remind you of that. Those news articles will haunt you. Your partners eye patch will glare at you and that bullet, lodged cozy in his brain will draw you in. You will not just walk away, unscathed. On the outside, you will go through the same old dull routine but on the inside you will shrivel and writhe in pain.
Who is this Barbara that saw all this? It is not me, I am Babs.
Am I bitter? Yes, I am one Bitter Bitch but I'm looking at it. You might want to worry about that. You just might want to think about it and you might want to start paying for it.You just might wanna kiss life as you know it...good-bye.