Jan 10, 2007

FALLEN ANGEL


I will be 48 in February.I feel all of 48 too. I woke up this morning, hating life and I had a fuck-it-all attitude. I am famous for getting these attitudes and hell usually breaks loose, in the wake. I have to be careful and not listen to myself as I am often my own demise. I get bored and will create chaos, I know this about me. I will have to watch myself and be aware for the potential to alter my life, like an earthquake, a Sunami. People pay when I get like this and I truly do not want to do that anymore. When you breathe in the heat, it affects those around you. When you act with great abandon, it affects those that love you. I have been selfish, not meaning to but none the less, very selfish in the past. Reckless abandon is what they call it, self-will run riot.
I have been many people, in my lifetime. I didn't know any of those Barbara's but I try to be better than them now. I wish I had the same drive as that woman did but it was often for the wrong things or applied the wrong way. I have been a mover and a shaker. I'm wondering where it went. Is this what it is to "get old," understand, feel me, get my insinuation? I have lived for danger, I have lived for respect, I have lived to help others. I've had many careers. I've lived my life in a grand manner and minuscule all in the same breath.
I look in the mirror and sometimes, it's that old Barbara and she winks at me, sarcastically, sardonically.She calls out my name, "Come on, live on that edge again, come out and play, let's do this." Some people talk shit, that Barbara made shit happen. I have been the lead dog and I have also followed and saw a lot of assholes. Who the fuck am I? I don't really know?
I've purposely placed myself in precarious positions, where I could have had my head blown off in an instant, 2 seconds tops and I just did it. I have done things, to this day, I can not tell you. I'm a double agent, living good and evil, straddling the fence. I have used and been used in my line of work and they exploited my ability to entertain that good and evil. Who was that person, that was able to not blink and pull the trigger? Who was that Barbara cause I have no fucking idea?
I have worn a badge of honor, yet walked in such shame that my mind's a burning hell. I fell from grace, so many times, been wrote off, picked up, embraced, slapped around, entertained and walked away with secrets tucked neatly in my bra. I've been knee deep in the hooplah and danced around rings of fire. I've been scorched, so close to Satan and his emissaries that I had his cell phone number. I've been close to God and sat at his feet, never looking upon him but he knows my name. And I've worked for them both.
While you were safe and secure, in your homes, I was in a shit storm, making sure you could still have that. I've also been your worst nightmare, unforgivable, standing in the dark, waiting to pounce, your enemy, seething and chomping at the bit, stealth in black, ready to rip your heart out and feed it to my cat. I have watched you from afar and held you close. I have loved, been loved and done things in the name of love. I have uttered unspeakable horrors and hated so badly it threatened to consume me. I understood the dark when you only knew light. I could see in the dark and I saw you. While you lived in your wheat bread world, I was eating a grub sandwich with a smile on my face telling you how fucking good it tasted. I was lost, yet knew exactly where I was and where I was going. I lived with abandon but with great intention. Still, I do not know who this person is or was, this Barbara.
I wouldn't squash a grape, at a fruit fight, yet, if backed in a corner, I'd scratch your eyes out and shove 'em up your ass, so you could taste it and see the real asshole you are. Let me teach you real hate, let me show you real love, passion, shame, guilt, insatiable lust and pain you've never understood or seen, felt or lived. Let me help your life flash before your eyes so you'll wake up. Let me hand you a mirror so you can really see your pasty faced lying, dieing ass.
I am frightened of nothing, have no fear and have stood nose to nose, toe to toe with death and danced like there's no tomorrow. I have also been curled in a ball with the weight of the world, holding me in a fetal position. I did what you asked me to do. I did your dirty work, in the name of all that was and is good. I was there in a moments notice, ready to eat a bullet but you still denied me in the end. You used me but I let you. You have the awards for bravery that do not belong to you but you can have them to remind you of your lie, the lies you live, the dirt you performed like a prostitute on a good night. I saved your asses and you betrayed me and lied so much, you may have convinced yourself. That plaque and title will remind you of that. Those news articles will haunt you. Your partners eye patch will glare at you and that bullet, lodged cozy in his brain will draw you in. You will not just walk away, unscathed. On the outside, you will go through the same old dull routine but on the inside you will shrivel and writhe in pain.
Who is this Barbara that saw all this? It is not me, I am Babs.
Am I bitter? Yes, I am one Bitter Bitch but I'm looking at it. You might want to worry about that. You just might want to think about it and you might want to start paying for it.You just might wanna kiss life as you know it...good-bye.
Cont'd

17 comments:

TOM said...

Babs, when are you putting out a book..I love the way you write!

knottyboy said...

Honey most people go their whole life and never live. Yes we all have things we wish we wouldn't have done. But is that regret? I hope that you don't regret anything your fantastic body has ever done.
Kisses baby cakes,
kb
[updated your blog in my blogroll]

.Ophelia. said...

my same thought exactly, when will you be finishing that book? ;o)

This is the babs I know, a great writer, maternal woman, assassin by night. You rock cheekie! xoxo

are you a pisces?

Babsbitchin said...

Tom, well, honestly, I've had to wait 1st for the statute of limitations to run out on a few things, I mean really, that's how people get busted, there's always a snitch. Sometimes it even themselves because we do love to brag, don't we? 2nd, I thought I had a Professor/Criminal Attorney to write it but I've not heard from him. I do not possess the ability, fortitude or discipline to do it. Once I do though, put on your safety goggles as the shit's gonna hit the fan. Thanks friend!

Babsbitchin said...

Knotty, I'm mesmerized just hearing from you. You are such a busy beaver and I know this. So, it's quite entertaining for me, when you stop by. If I knew you were coming I'da baked a cheesecake! Really though, we need to really live dangerously and go to a disco when I come out your way. How far are you from Davenport, Iowa?

Babsbitchin said...

Ophelia, you are too good to me. Why don't you help me write this book. You have the youth and the talent. I couldn't think of anyone else that would deserve the money, pay off, proceeds from an illicit life than you and I. The story is really there, no bullshit, no James Frey embellishment, I just can't get it written by myself for some reason. Thanks my buttercup! I am an Aquarius but I think my shit comes from my past lives. I am not a true Aquarian, now am I? Why does Aquarian look so funny? Did I spell it wrong? What a dip shit I am, lol!

.Ophelia. said...

Thats a beautiful offer. Wait for me to get unlimited long distance and you got a deal. Then I can call you at will :o)
Also you spelled it fine, know what time you were bron? Cause then I can tell you what your other signs are. The sun isn't exclusive. Its actallu just ego.

xoxo

Miranda said...

Hey there, Im back, and it looks like the comments are working now? oi.

Very good post. (((HUGS))) so many changes in here.

Babsbitchin said...

ophelia, I'll be waiting with baited breath...or is that bad breath or breath that smells like bait? Damn I'm so confused.
I think I was born at 1:07am, Feb.5,1959, I'm an ol' tirrrrrred bitch.

Babsbitchin said...

Miranda, it is so good to hear from you. Thanks about the post and just happy you're back.
Big Big Hugs!

Anonymous said...

Barb,I know you have a right to feel this way, I saw it go down. Write that book and get it back, that is what you can do, all you can do. I always respected you, if it means anything at all, you were standup. You may not remember me but we worked together once. You called me T-Man. Do you remember that?

Babsbitchin said...

anonymous, T-man is that really you? Don't play, is that you? I want to write my book, but it's a nasty cuss and you know why, huh? Good to hear from you. How'd you know?

RICH said...

what a post Babs. I have been working on trying to get rid of my bitterness. It's a heavy load to carry around. The program has helped me with this. When I'm in my own mind I can be my own worst enemy. Stinkin thinkin will get ya all the time.

Edd.D said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Edd.D said...

I hope someday I can say half of what you wrote here.

Raise your glass and clink with mine.....to life's ying and yang
x

Babsbitchin said...

Rich, I must agree with you. However, my stinkin thinkin is my version of dealing with life on life's terms. When we get sober, we get smacked with reality, do we not? I've worked the programs for almost 9 years, steady. I've been in the program on and off since 1985. It has been my saving grace and encourage people to use it or lose it...their sobriety. I've been clean from heroin since June 24,1998 but not completely sober. There's a 2% success rate for heroin users and their clean time. I can only thank Intensive Treatment for mine. I went inpatient, in prison for 6 months, hardcore treatment and I worked that bitch, I owned it. One Day at a Time, Rich!

Babsbitchin said...

Edd.d, Ying and Yand and Vera Wang, lol! My sis is working a deal for her right now. For her and Machioato Pearls? It's a big time contract, woohoo.