Jan 4, 2007

JUST PERSPECTIVE

-Dad, do the kids keep eating your cookies and Debbie Cakes? Ice them with Chocolaty ExLax. Eventually, they'll have an aversion for your treats. This also works for the little woman. If she's getting a little plumper than you'd like, wrap up the ExLax in a cute little box and bring her the gift home from work. She'll think you're so thoughtful and she'll instantly begin to lose weight. A win win situation, right?

-Too bored at work? Drop a few shrooms in the office coffee pot, not too many, as you don't want to cut complete productivity. But just enough to pass the time. Record the event and give a copy to your fellow workers for Christmas. This is always a big hit.

-Bored? Make a list of 10 unusual places to have sex and do it all in one weekend. This is even better if you pick someone you've never met, at random. It will brighten this persons life. Think of it as a good will mission.

-Trying to enjoy dinner in a restaurant and you can't because somebody is allowing their kids to cry incessantly? Tell that parent that you just read an article, in the AMA Journal of Medicine, that stated that excessive crying causes irreversible brain damage. You are doing the world a favor.

- Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

- Planning another boring night with the In-Laws? Serve Hash Brownies for dessert. Drizzled in a Bourbon/Chocolate Sauce, they're sure to be a tasty treat.This is also a fun idea for Birthday cupcakes you send to school, for Juniors class.


- No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off. This also works for that expensive, Star quality, Brazilian waxing.

- Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).


- If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed. If that doesn't work, a gob of peanut butter, placed strategically in the back of the throat will grab hold of the offending object and they can simply spit it out or swallow it.

-The little woman won't go into labor, especially before the big Football game, this weekend? Make her jump down the stairs by two's or arrange a ride, on site, in a dump truck. If that doesn't work, 4 wheeling worked for me!

-Does your hubby have hiccups? Tell him you've been having an affair the whole time you've been married. If that doesn't work immediately, tell him that it was with his Father or Brother. If that doesn't work, for those really stubborn hiccups, telling him that Jr. is really his half brother, works every time, money back guarantee!

-Fuck the Intervention. If he's drinking too much and it's effecting your life, secretly put Antabuse, crushed up in his food. Money back guarantee for this one, too!

-Is the hubby being abusive, whipping your ass on a regular basis? Buy a receipt book and write a few out, for the private purchase of several guns and payment at a shooting range or gun instruction classes. Leave them accidentally crumpled on the floor or in the stack of bills.

-Is hubby a remote control hog? Tell him you watched a special on Oprah about a bunch of guys who became impotent because of their constant use of a remote control. Tell him that they said it started to shrivel up and that they had Doctors on the show that stated that it only took a few years for this to happen and the FDA is investigating the whole matter. He may not believe you at first but he will use it less and it will be in the back of his mind. If you type something up, to give him and use a magazine letterhead and copy it, it will seem more authentic. He'll think you're just concerned.
*(This is not actual advice)*

9 comments:

.Ophelia. said...

sooo funny. especially the ice cube one :o)

Babsbitchin said...

ophelia, of course these are tried and tested. For real, my ex painted the top of the Chips Ahoy cookies. He couldn't tell who was stealing all the cookies. He found out, lol!

AZCG said...

I've already used the gun receipt on the kitchen table one! It worked great. After me and my ex split up he kept a house key and would drop in whenever he felt like it, so I went to a pawnshop, purchased a pistol and ammo, and left the receipt on the kitchen table. He came in one last time, saw the receipt, and never came over unannounced again.

AZCG said...

Oh, one more thing! Why is all the text on your blog shoved to the right hand side of the screen?

Babsbitchin said...

AZCG, yes, the gun receipts always work, I know, I did it, too!
The template is new and if you are not using Mozilla Firefox as your browser, it'll be on the side. I'm about to go back to a plain out blogger template. I'm sick of these messes. It either works right in one browser or the other but rarely in both, dammit all to hell!

Snooze said...

Now these are great suggestions! I love the one about the intervention.

Jagd Kunst said...

All good advice. I might try the antabuse one on myself.

Babsbitchin said...

snooze, fuck the formalities, just get down to the nitty gritty, right? lol!!

Babsbitchin said...

jagd kunst, that antabuse is a rough customer. I watched my Dad get sick as shit off that stuff. From then on, he faked taking it. That's almost drilling on your own teeth, ouch, ew, ouch!