Feb 13, 2007

AND THE DUMBASS AWARD GOES TO...


Once upon a time, there was a young lady who crossed her legs, used her napkin and ate with the proper utensils in a fine dining situation. She was a bit timid at first and never spoke out of turn. She held herself in a stature becoming her station, with poise and dignity. The world knew her as an ugly duckling, who grew into a, not beautiful but attractive swan. She was the epitome of a worldly lady, Southern born and bred, dressed to the nines. She was lost in 1984, never to be seen again. They questioned her, incessantly, as she turned in her brand new, Company car. She hung up her 3-Piece suits, placed her high heels, stiletto's and polished leather boots, neatly in her 4th bedroom, used solely as a closet to hold all her beautiful clothes and accessories. Some say she lost her mind. They watched as she loaded a few belongings into her Ramcharger with Monster Mudders, a trusty stead. The Ramcharger was owned by her but she took it back from her husband. She donned some cut up jeans, logging boots and a crop top and drove off into the warm sun, just days before her 9th wedding anniversary. Her husband was inconsolable. They whispered, "She's crazy," but I think, she'd just had enough. She was never heard from, again.

That woman is me. I was never the same. I wrecked many lives that day. For many years after, too numerous to count, I was cut off from my family and friends. But I evolved into this insane person, the one you know today. Insanity rules and you couldn't pay me to go back to that poor creature, stuck in decorum.

I do amuse myself, I have for many years. I make myself laugh and love to watch the people squirm and cringe,you know the uppity ones, especially. I can't stand the pretentious pricks and if it were legal, I'd put them out of their misery. It'd be a good will mission. But this and all that, is not the point of this post.

I just had to tell you what happened. So...I went for my pre-surgery physical, at the hospital, where I had my surgery. Now, you might not find this amusing but I am still laughing inside about it; They stuck the thermometer in my mouth. I thought ?I'd moved it well to the side. But when she pulled out the plastic sheathed thermometer, my gum stuck to the end and a string of it was attached. She said that it was her first. How fucking redneck does it get, huh? You had to be there, it was a classic moment.
Two days later, I woke on the operating table. They were still wrapping my arm and the rest of me, my face, was covered in green paper, you know like a hospital gown paper. I farted, just as I woke and I think this is why I woke, possibly embarrassed. In my world, you never did or do that in public, my god. I looked over and there were two nurses? talking and they looked at me. I said, out loud, I farted. Don't ask me why I had to exclaim to the world that I had just let one rip. Anesthesia does things to people, I guess? The nurse says, "Oooooooh, I didn't hear it," as she walks towards me. I'd had those oxygen tubes perched below my nose. She came over and promptly pulled something out of my nose, some kind of plugs. I assume it is to hold the tube in place. Out loud, I said, "Damn, a bitch can't pass out around here without you guys sticking stuff in her orifices (I didn't say the word right it came out more like orificeseses)Then, I said, "I just can't wait to find what else you crazy guys did. This is the LAST time I party with ya?" They giggled slightly. I think I said all this out loud. I remember saying it. I was pretty stoned at the time. I know this is not so funny to you but it tickles the shit out of me. Yes, I am my own worst enemy but damn if I don't entertain me!

6 comments:

Miranda said...

Lol...hey if you cant laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at? I know when I had my stroke I was at the hospital laughing and they all looked at me strange. *shrugs* I dunno, I felt perfectly fine.

Babsbitchin said...

Miranda, it is better to be amused than not, right? Hope you're well, my friend!

Webmiztris said...

lol, i bet nurses who get to spend the day around people coming off anesthesia LOVE their jobs. that's got to be hilarious every time!

Babsbitchin said...

Webmiztris, I know but for the love of god, why did I have to announce that I farted? They probably think I'm a very convincing idiot!

.Ophelia. said...

I'd be rolling if I were in the situation. Those nurses prolly hear the wildest stuff.

RICH said...

hey there babslong time no comments....good story. You have lived nine lives haven't you?