May 10, 2007

The Facts of Life

In case you hadn't noticed, there's absolutely no shame in my game. I must have this demenor so I may bring you all this cutting edge technology. It's all in the name of science!

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

(Courtesy of Ms.Cat Lambe)

Now, here's the history of Tampons, just in case you might need it for engaging dinner conversation. If you really want to be a know it all, just like me, here's a blog with some good history links.

Then, just in case you're the crafty type, go here. Maybe you're in need of a quick gift and no time to shop? Possibly you have no way to the stores and you have to work with what you have, this is such valuable info.

Check out Poopnurse, on male toxic shock syndrome @ The Poop Report. Engaging and thought provoking, I just know you need to know.

Personally, I hated my periods. I would get a whole insecure feeling, when it came, every couple of weeks and felt so gross. I was never happier than when it went away in 2003. My skin changed but that was the only downfall, no vaginal dryness, just in case you were wondering. I did have hot flashes for a couple of years prior and could become quite nasty and unpredictable, motherfucker run for your lives.

I can remember a time when good girls didn't use tampons, for whatever reason. I was never a good girl, even though I did try. I remember the story of asking my husband to buy tampons for me. He was at work and had the car. I was home with the kids and I told him not to forget. He wrote "CORKS" on his hand, as a reminder. He worked in a Muffler shop at the time. He said that every few minutes, a new customer or somebody would ask him what or why the word CORKS was on his hand. He'd raise his eyebrows and say to a few of them, "You know, I gotta pick 'em up for the little woman." A lot of the guys would laugh and relate the fact that it embarrassed them to have to buy them. He said almost every guy would then talk about hating to buy them about as much as buying condoms. They made the observation that, almost all counter help, were young women and it was embarrassing. I began to think about this. I then asked the question, "Well, if a guy goes to buy rubbers, does he actually get the size that really fits him or will he always ask for the biggest rubbers they have?" I mean, you know they have different sizes, so if there's a pretty girl there, will that guy ask for the Max Mandingo size? These are life's perplexing questions?

If you chew on these, you deserve to die, no warning. But I do realize we live in a world full of Dumbass's.

If you've been reading Babs Bitchin or Bitchin & Stuff, all along, I'm sure you remember when I caught the kids launching my tampons into the tub filled with water. I had an economy box, brand new in the linen closet. Those things were like gold to me and the lil' bastards were shooting them into the water and watching them explode, sucking up the water.

I bled for 30+ years and couldn't be happier that it's over. It should be illegal for us to have to go through that, don't you agree? I mean I had to endure waking up in my own bed, it looking like a homicide had been committed. My poor husband knew it was that time of the month, when he saw the "Ragger Panties" as he so fondly called them. There would be several indications, which of course he would use to his advantage. He'd say stuff like, "Well, if the front porch is painted, you go in the back door, right?" No, you dumb fucker, I'll kill you. I did get evil at that time of the month, ya know and I'd tell him, it would be ok, if I could do him first. He just didn't like that idea, especially when I pulled out the John Holmes, under the mattress.Chicken shit. I'd usually fold my cards about the third day. He could have gone a month without sex, at which he'd point this out and give me the guilt trip like he was so deprived, just so I'd give him head. I think sometimes, he'd look forward to my demise because he figured he'd benefit from it. Dirty bastards, the lot of 'em. I can only hope that God has a sense of humor and they have to go through labor and delivery and periods before they can get into heaven.

While we're on the subject, here's a chilling commentary, lol, on this pertinent subject!


Webmiztris said...

that last link made me laugh. tampons aren't PLUGGING up the problem - they're absorbing the blood from inside - where it doesn't have a chance to encounter air and thus, smell badly. I can't stand when women use pads. I can always smell their nasty blood from a mile away! I remember sitting behind one girl in high school who obviously used pads because I could actually 'smell' her period every time she had it. FUCKING NASTY!!! plug that shit up!!

~Babsbitchin~ said...

Webmiztris, yea, I can smell it too. That shits nasty. I laughed at the post on plugging too that's why I put it up. Glad we're on the same page, lol! Or better yet, glad I'm not alone on this one. Thank you for being brave and commenting, hahahaha!

Dear Prudence said...

I love you! You are so spot on! I could agree more. I am sick of the dam curse. I finally went and got a shot that last 3 months and the fucker goes away... YIPPEE

~Babsbitchin~ said...

dear prudence, I feel ya sister. Let me tell you, I suffered under that curse for 33 years, that's enough time to give to the cause, huh? I hated it and am so glad it's gone. Now I paid a price because my skin looks older but that's ok, I'm not trying to get anybody in bed no more, it's all good!