May 7, 2007

Those Darn Kids

I found this here. The comments were equally funny, as they took each other on, as to the weight of the post and it's cynicism. It was too funny not to share with you'll, yens, you's, all you guys. If you're not aware of it, I have another blog, "Free Advice; Ask Aunt B," so I tend to pay attention to advice centered stuff, now and then. This little tidbit is hilarious and although it's a bit far fetched, it would work on me. All my kids are grown and gone and luckily, I didn't have them all stuck up my ass for years. I can remember a time, when I was really trying to piss them off, hoping they'd run away from home, like I did. WTF, they wouldn't budge, lil' bastards. I stopped that approach when they turned six.

Dear Joe,

How can I get rid of my son? He's 24 years old and the laziest creature on earth. He doesn't go to school, won't get a job, and claims he can't afford to move out on his own. The truth is that he could afford to move out if he didn't spend all his money sitting around the house smoking dope all day.

I love him dearly but he's got to go. How do I get him to move out?

Frustrated Parent

Dear F.P.,
Here's a step-by-step plan for getting the little pot head out within a week:

Day #1 – The first step is to get him out of the house for a few hours. Tell him you found $20 in the washer and were wondering if it was his. While he is out giving his “tithes to the Rastafarian church" call a carpenter, preferably one that is handy with sheetrock. A good drywall specialist can have the door to your son's room sealed off in less than an hour. Be sure to have it painted so that it blends in with the surrounding wall.

When your son returns and wonders why he can't find the door to his room pretend you don't know what he is talking about and "remind" him that he moved out six years ago. Convince him that he is having a “flashback" from the time he ate those weird mushrooms.

Day #2 – Remove all edible food from the house. Bake a liver quiche and leave it, along with a pitcher of prune juice, in the refrigerator. Now when the the little freak gets the “munchies" he'll be in for a big surprise.

Day #3 – Invite Timmy, the earnest young Christian at church who is always anxious to share his new found faith, to drop by and visit your son at around 4:20 p.m.* Tell him that your son really wants to develop a personal relationship with the Lord but needs someone to explain it to him. Just to be safe, have some Jehovah's Witnesses stop by at 5:10 and some of those clean cut Mormon missionaries drop in at 5:45.

Day #4 – At 4:35 p.m., when your son is good and stoned, call your house and in your best basso-profundo voice say, “Hello. This is God speaking. Timmy said that you and I should get together and meet sometime..."

Day #5 – Hide dog biscuits all around the house and invite the police department's K-9 narcotics unit to drop by the house at 4:40 p.m. for coffee and donuts.

Day #6 - Tell all four armed forces recruiters that your son is really interested in joining the military. Military recruiters are like used car salesmen that make housecalls. Mention that the best time to catch your son is at 4:30 p.m.

Day #7 – Tell your son that the two of you need to have a serious discussion. Take him for a long drive in the country and be honest about your concerns. Explain that it's really time that he moved on with his life and, after you slow down to about 20 mph, open the passenger door and kick him out of the car.

If he didn't take the hint the first six days then he's obviously fried his brain to the point where you don't have to worry about him finding his way home.

* As I learned on recruiting duty, 4:20 p.m. (aka 420) is the time when losers throughout the world set aside to get high. Ask you kid what it means. If he knows, smack' em – he's a stoner. If he says he doesn't know, smack' em anyway cause he's lying to you.


Webmiztris said...

"If he knows, smack' em – he's a stoner. If he says he doesn't know, smack' em anyway cause he's lying to you."


se7en said...

Open his bedroom door and toss a dummy hand grenade in there and yell "Fire in the Hole!" Do this often, he'll get the message...


Babsbitchin said...

Webmiztris, too funny, huh?

Babsbitchin said...

se7en, psychological warfare, oh yes!