Jul 14, 2007

The Chili Cook-Off

I've literally got tears in my eyes, as I type. This has got to be the funniest thing I've read in I don't know how long.

Live, Love, Laugh...

If you can read this whole story without laughing,then there's no hope for
you. I was crying by the end.

This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.

They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around.
It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting
from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person
called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at
the judge's table, asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured
by the other two judges
(Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides,
they told me I could have free
beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."

Here are the score card notes from the event:


Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames
out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
the look on my face.


Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in
>the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to
look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an


Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw them.


Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices
and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow


Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment.

**I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be a
bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My
pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy,
they'll know what killed me.

I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful.

Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck
it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if
he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really
hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report

(Courtesy Cat Lambe)


Miz UV said...

LOL! Judge 3 would be me. I'm a spice wimp.

CanadianSwiss said...

I was laughing tears and as I type, OX is now laughing hard! This is great! Kisses

~Babsbitchin~ said...

Miz UV, I love Texas Style Chili but the real deal is spice and meat made w/ ground suet. I used to make it at my job. You spice wimp you, lol!

~Babsbitchin~ said...

CS, I had a hard time posting it, I actually had tears in my eyes, too. It is hilarious. Kiss the X darlin'!

Xmichra said...

lol.. i like this part the baest "The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage"..

lol... brain damaging chilli ..

DirtyBitchSociety said...

Xmichra, I laughed my ass off at this. I mean I've read and seen some funny shit but when you're sitting by yourself and can't hardly read cause you've got tears in your eyes, now that's funny, huh?

Joe the Troll said...

Yup, he sounds like a Springfielder! I've lived in NM for 10 years now, and stil the hottest salsa I've ever had came from Chicago! This was a pico de gallo sauce, which normally isn't that hot. This stuff was killer.

I've gotten kind of hooked on chipotle since I've movede here.

~Babsbitchin~ said...

Joe, I just love chipotle too. I love to put the pepper in chicken salad, had it not long ago. I used to just love hot stuff. Now, I like it a little better than mild. But once you go hot, it's just hard to not eat hot foods. I tend to crave it. I used to love to eat hot buffalo wings. Damn that sounds good. But I bet if you're in NM you're getting the real good shit. I'm jealous, for sure.

Joe the Troll said...

I've read that hot foods can be addicting because they make you produce endorphins. I like endorphins.

Babs Bitchin said...

Joe the Troll, yes, I think I read the AMA Journal with a study from Stanford University that found that you can actually be addicted to eating hot foods because of the endorphins. In fact, when I was in rehab, they encouraged hot foods and exercise to get the endorphins working again.I do crave it and am a hopeless junky for jalapeƱos poppers, hot wings and yes, Texas Style Chili. Yes Lord!