Nov 19, 2008

Damn That Chili

I know, I know, those damn forwards ya get in your email. Butt, Butt, Butt, if you need to laugh just read this, ok? Oddly enough, I made Chili Mac for dinner last night. Somehow...I can relate!

Chili

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that said course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I
had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "You're
definitely going to mess yourself" chili.

Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes
with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your
butt cheeks WILL fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups
of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No
"Watson's Movement 2". Despite habanera peppers swimming their way
through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the
usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and
lightning.

Knowing th at a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of when, I
bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I
often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart
and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't
until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that
the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm
talking about. I'm referring to that "Uh oh, gotta go" pain that always
seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.
The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a
revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small
intestines, f orcing their way into the large intestines, and before I
could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring
sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped
in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded.
I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape
me.

Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my
body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an
elderly woman turned into it.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her
reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as
she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different
directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you
at least will be able to relate.
I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she
walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor
so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and
running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as
though trying to ward off angry bees.
This, of course , made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh.

Mistake.

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things "clamped
down", if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive
issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing
that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that
someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off
through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole
way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took
place. Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john,
began the inevitable "Oh my God", floating above the toilet seat because my
butt is burning SO BAD, purging.

One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the
true meaning of "Shock and Awe". He made a gagging sound, and
disgustedly said, " Oh my God!", then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart
intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee
approached me and said, "Sir, you might want to step outside for a few
minutes.
It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager
is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought
to take care of the problem."

That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me.
The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover
his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, "IT'S
YOU!", then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was
unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly
not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing
to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I
went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say- anymore about that because
we are in court over the whole matter. They claim they're going to have
to repaint the store


5 comments:

coopernicus said...

Women fart??? Ugh...my image is totally crushed....

~Babz~ said...

Coop, dammit, I held them in for 19 years. Yes, 19 years of turning three shades of blue, my husband really believed I never got gas as only once in all those years did I have an accident. But now I am of the age, an advanced case of awareness and purposely stay out of any relationship so that I may run the remote and fart to my hearts/farts content. Life is good!

Xmichra said...

lol... i have a cajun chicken dish tghat sends most to the john..lol..

Poor guy. I feel for him, sorta. But until you have a baby in your belly making it virtually impossible to hold anything in, and something that embarassing happens and you don't make the toilet in time. NO SYMPATHY. lol..

~Babz~ said...

Xmichra, don't ya just hate it, right now, even worse when you laugh, sneeze or even fart that ya piss yourself. It's just not fair. May the Gods shine upon your uterus and strengthen your bladder, my pregnant friend!

mother of drug addict said...

I laughed so hard I though i was gonna lose it! i had to stop inthe middle to pee just to save myself..